ENTER Curculio, A PATCH OVER ONE EYE, IN BURLESQUE HASTE.

CURCULIO: (to imaginary passers-by) Make way for me, friends, strangers, while I do my duty here! Scatter, clear out, get off the street, everybody, so that I may not career into anyone and lay him out with my head, or elbow, or chest, or knee! I tell you what, it’s a sudden, pressing, urgent job I’m charged with now, and there’s no man rich enough to block my path—neither general, nor despot, any of ‘em, nor market inspector, nor mayor, nor burgomaster, I don’t care how grand he is—down he’ll go, down he’ll drop from the sidewalk and stand on his head in the street! Yes, and as for those cloaked Greeks that stroll about with muffled heads and stalk along with their clothes bulged out by books and provision baskets, renegades that stand about together, palaver together, block your road, set themselves in your way, stalk along with their sage observations, fellows you can always see guzzling in a tavern when they’ve stolen something—muffling their wretched heads and taking hot drinks, then stalking along grave of face and half seas over! —well, if I bump up against them, I’ll knock some porridge-fed wind out of every one of their bodies. And then those servants of the city bloods that play ball in the street—pitchers and catchers both—every one shall go underfoot! So let ’em keep themselves at home and avoid danger.

PHAEDROMUS: (to Palinurus, significantly) He shows good sense, if he only had authority. Yes, that’s the growing custom nowadays, that’s the way with the servant class nowadays; there certainly is no controlling them.

CURCULIO: (running back and forth energetically) Won’t someone show me Phaedromus, my good genius? It’s an emergency, I must meet the man instantly.

PALINURUS: (aside to Phaedromus) He’s looking for you, sir.

PHAEDROMUS: What if we go up to him? (stepping forward) Hullo! Curculio!

I want you.

CURCULIO: (looking everywhere but in the right direction) Who’s calling? Who speaks my name?

PHAEDROMUS: A man that craves to meet you.

CURCULIO: (seeing him) No more than I crave to meet you.

PHAEDROMUS: Ah, my Opportunity! my longed for Curculio! bless you!

CURCULIO: Same to you.

PHAEDROMUS: I’m delighted to have you safely here. Your hand, your hand? (seizing it) Where are my hopes? Speak, for the love of heaven, speak?

CURCULIO: And where are my hopes? Speak, for the love of heaven, speak? (staggers)

PHAEDROMUS: What’s the matter ?

CURCULIO: Darkness veils my eyes! My knees give way beneath me for want of food!

PHAEDROMUS: (sympathetically) By Jove! for fatigue, I fancy!

CURCULIO: Hold me up, hold me up, for heaven’s sake!

PHAEDROMUS: (supporting him) See how pale he turned! (shouting to slaves within) Quick! Get him a chair to sit on, will you, and a bowl of water? Come, come, hurry, will you.

CURCULIO: I feel faint! (contrives to make the task of supporting him etraordinarily dificult)

PALINURUS: (helping to seat him) Want some water?

CURCULIO: (interested) If it has some morsels of food in it, give it here, for the love of heaven, and let me gulp it down!

PALINURUS: (disgusted) Oh, curse you!

CURCULIO: For the love of heaven, give me a . . . er . . . happy home-coming!

PALINURUS: (helping Phaedromus to fan him) By all means.

CURCULIO: What are you two doing, for mercy’s sake?

PALINURUS: Giving you air.

CURCULIO: But that air is not what I want.

PHAEDROMUS: What do you want, then?

CURCULIO: To eat, to eat, so as to have a . . . er, . . happy home-coming.

PALINURUS: You be everlastingly damned!

CURCULIO: I am a dead man! I can barely see! My teeth are full of rheum, my jaws are bleary-eyed with hunger! Such a state as I am in, all from vacuity of victuals, from intestinal fatigue!

PHAEDROMUS: You shall have something to eat at once.

CURCULIO: (groaning) Oh Lord! It is not "something" I want; I prefer a definite thing to just "something."

PALINURUS: But if you only knew about the leavings—what they are.

CURCULIO: Ah, it is where they are that I am yearning to know, for my teeth certainly do need to have a conference with ’em.

PHAEDROMUS: Ham, tripe, sow’s udder, sweetbreads—

CURCULIO: (reviving) All that, really, really?

(doubtfully) I daresay you mean they are in the pantry.

PHAEDROMUS: No, no, in the platters—got ready for you after we realized you were coming.

CURCULIO: (piteously) Do not trifle with me, I beg you.

PHAEDROMUS: So love me the girl I love, I’m not lying! But about your mission—I’ve heard nothing.

CURCULIO: Nothing is what I have brought you.

PHAEDROMUS: (starting) Oh, you’ve killed me!

CURCULIO: (cheerfully) I can revive you, if you pay attention. After setting out according to your orders, I arrived in Caria. I saw your chum and asked him to supply you with the cash. You should not doubt his good will, he disliked to disappoint you, he wanted to do the proper thing as between friends, and help you. His answer was brief and perfectly sincere—that he was in the same box as you, very short of funds.

PHAEDROMUS: You’re killing me with your story!

CURCULIO: (masterfully) On the contrary, saving you, and that is my aim. After getting his answer, off I go to the forum, feeling glum at having come there all for nothing. It so happens I see a military man. Up I step and say good day to him. "Good day to you," says he, and seizes my hand, takes me aside, and asks what I have come to Caria for. "A pleasure trip," says I. Then he inquires if I am acquainted with a certain Lyco, a banker, in Epidaurus. I say I am. "What then? And a pimp named Cappadox?" I admit having seen him. "But what do you want of him?" "Well," says he, "I have bought a girl of him, for a hundred and twenty pounds, and along with her some clothes and jewellery; they stood me in forty pounds more." "Have you paid him?" says I. "No," says he, "the money is deposited with that banker Lyco I mentioned, and on receipt of a letter from me sealed with my own ring, he has my orders to assist the bearer in getting the girl from the pimp, together with the jewelry and clothes." After hearing this I leave him. He calls me back directly and invites me to dinner. I had scruples, I could not decline. "What if we go and take our places at table now?" says he. I like the idea; "It is unseemly to delay a day, or do despite against a dinner hour." "Everything is ready," says he. And there we are, the men it is ready for! After we had dined and got well dipped, he calls for dice and challenges me to a game. I stake my cloak; he stakes his mantle against it, and invokes Planesium.

PHAEDROMUS: (with a start) My sweetheart?

CURCULIO: Keep still a moment. He throws four vultures, I grab the dice, invoke my fostering nurse, Hercules, and—make the royal throw! raise a big bumper to his health. He drains it, lets his head drop, falls fast asleep! I draw off his ring and draw my feet down from the couch quietly, to keep the soldier from hearing. The servants ask me where I am going. "Where full men usually go," say I. The minute I caught sight of the door I bolted out.

PHAEDROMUS: Glorious!

CURCULIO: (coolly) Save your glorification till I have consummated your desire. For the present let us go in and use the soldier’s seal on a letter.

PHAEDROMUS: I’m not keeping you, am I?

CURCULIO: (warming up) Yes, and first of all, let’s force something down our throats—ham, sow’s udder, sweet-breads. This is the stuff to stay a stomach—bread and roast beef, bumpers, a big pot—so that we may be well supplied with wisdom. You shall prepare the letter; Palinurus here shall wait on table, and I—I shall eat. I’ll tell you how to write it. Come along! this way ! (makes for door with alacrity)

PHAEDROMUS: Coming.

[ EXEUNT ALL INTO HOUSE ]