ENTER Cappadox, WADDLING OUT OF THE TEMPLE

CAPPADOX: (hopefully) When the gods are propitious to a man, he is a man they–(sighing) are not angry with, I think. After I offered sacrifice it occurred to me that the banker might leave the country, and I had better demand my money, so as to let it go into my stomach rather than his.

THERAPONTIGONUS: (sternly) Good day to you, sir, good day, I say

CAPPADOX: (without ardour) Good day, Therapontigonus Smackahead. In honour of your safe arrival in Epidaurus, here at my house to-day you shall have–never a lick of salt.

THERAPONTIGONUS: Much obliged, only I have arranged to give you–the very devil! Well, now about that merchandise of mine you have ?

CAPPADOX: I? I have nothing–(as Therapontigonus gets excited) no, no need of witnesses–and not a thing do I owe you, not a thing.

THERAPONTIGONUS: How is this?

CAPPADOX: What I swore I’d do, I’ve done.

THERAPONTIGONUS: (grasping his sword hilt) Wilt hand over the maiden or not, hangdog, ere I subject thee to this bade of mine?

CAPPADOX: (coolly) A good sound hiding is what I recommend for you. You needn’t try to scare me. She has been taken away, and as for you, you shall be carried away, mark my words, if you go on abusing me, when all I owe you is a thrashing.

THERAPONTIGONUS: Me? You threaten me with a thrashing?

CAPPADOX: Yes, and by heaven, I won’t threaten–I’ll give you one, if you go on annoying me.

THERAPONTIGONUS: A pimp to threaten me? And my countless bellicose battles trampled in the dust? Now so help me well blade and shield, when I do battle on the field–unless the maiden is handed over to me, I will at once so serve thee that the ants will scatter thee hereabouts bit by bit.

CAPPADOX: (mimicking him) Now so love me well my depilatory tweezers, comb, mirror, curling tongs, shears, and bath towel–I no more bother about your braggadocio and bloody bluster than about my servant wench that cleans the privy. I have delivered that girl to the man that brought the cash from you.

THERAPONTIGONUS: Who is this man?

CAPPADOX: He said he was a freedman of yours, Summanus.

THERAPONTIGONUS: of mine? (reflecting) Aha! By heaven, now I think it over, it is Curculio has tricked me! He stole my ring.

CAPPADOX: Lost your ring, have you? (aside) A fine commission our Captain has–in a company that draws no pay.

THERAPONTIGONUS: Where shall I find Curculio now?

CAPPADOX: (appearing to misunderstand) Curculio? A weevil? In amongst the wheat, most likely; I warrant you will find five hundred curculios, for that matter, instead of one. (turning away) I am going, myself. (over his shoulder, patronizingly) Fare thee well, bless you!

THERAPONTIGONUS: Fare thee ill, curse you! [EXIT Cappadox] What shall I do? Stay, or go? I to have my face smeared in this fashion! Oh, I long to give a reward to the man that shows me where he is!

[ EXIT, VERY BLOODTHIRSTY ]