TIME: Night

(Enter Phaedromus, elaborately dressed, carrying a candle. Palinurus follows, and behind him come slaves carrying torches, wine, and edibles.)

PALINURUS: (gloomy) Where on earth are you bound, sir, at this time o’ night, with such a get-up and with this provision train here?

PHAEDROMUS: (quite ecstatic) Where Venus and Cupid command, where Love entices! Be it midnight, or be it early eve, be it a day duly settled upon with your adversary for appearance at court—still must you go whither they bid, despite yourself.

PALINURUS: (protestingly) But see here, sir, see here—

PHAEDROMUS: See here, you annoy me.

PALINURUS: Really, sir, this isn’t a pretty sight, nor a sight to talk about—you, sir, playing your own slave, and, dapper as you are, lighting yourself along with a candle!

PHAEDROMUS: (languishingly) Shall I not carry the stores of the busy little bees, stores born of sweets, to my sweet little honey ?

PALINURUS: Why, where am I to say you’re going?

PHAEDROMUS: If you asked me, I should inform you.

PALINURUS: If I did ask you, what would your answer be?

PHAEDROMUS: Yonder is the shrine of Aesculapius.

PALINURUS: I knew that more than a year ago.

PHAEDROMUS: Next to it (pointing to house of Cappadox) is the most adorable door in all the world. (fondly) Ah, door! Hath all been well with thee?

PALINURUS: (mockingly) O door most shut in all the world! Hast been without fever yesterday or the day before? Hast had thy dinner yesterday?

PHAEDROMUS: (wounded) Are you making fun of me?

PALINURUS: Well then, you madman, why are you asking about the door’s health?

PHAEDROMUS: Oh, ’tis the most delectable door, the discreetest door I ever saw! It never breathes a single word! When it opens—silent! When she steals out to me at night—silent still!

PALINURUS: (suspicious) I say, sir, you aren’t doing anything that doesn’t become you or your family, are you? You aren’t up to any crime, are you, Phaedromus? You’re not laying snares for some respectable woman, or one that ought to be respectable?

PHAEDROMUS: No, no! Great God forbid!

PALINURUS: My own wish, too! If you’re wise, sir, you’ll always so govern your affections as not to have your love affairs disgrace you, in case people get wind of them. Always look out you don’t lose your power to bear witness as a man.

PHAEDROMUS: What do you mean?

PALINURUS: Be careful—stick to the open road. Love your love, but don’t lose your witnesses!

PHAEDROMUS: Why, it’s a pimp that lives there.

PALINURUS: In that case nobody stops or forbids you to buy what’s in the open market, if you’ve got the cash. Nobody stops anyone from walking along the public highway. Provided you don’t make inroads on fenced-in preserves, provided you keep away from married women, widows, virgins, young innocents, and children of respectable families, love anyone you want.

PHAEDROMUS: This is a pimp’s house.

PALINURUS: Bad luck to it!

PHAEDROMUS: Why?

PALINURUS: Because it’s in such scurvy service.

PHAEDROMUS: (indignant) That’s it, interrupt me!

PALINURUS: (pretending to misunderstand) So I will, by all means.

PHAEDROMUS: Hold your tongue, will you!

PALINURUS: (aggrieved) Why, but you told me to interrupt you.

PHAEDROMUS: Well, now I tell you not to. But as I was about to say, he has a young slave girl.

PALINURUS: The pimp that lives here, you mean?

PHAEDROMUS: (ironically) You grasp it perfectly.

PALINURUS: (grinning) I’ll have less fear of its being lost, then.

PHAEDROMUS: You pest! He wants to make a courtesan of her. She loves me to distraction, but as for me, I don’t choose to return her love.

PALINURUS: How’s that?

PHAEDROMUS: (rapturously) Because I want it for my very own I love her as much as she loves me.

PALINURUS: (sagely) A secret love affair is bad, it’s simply ruin.

PHAEDROMUS: (sighing) You’re right, ah yes, you’re right

PALINURUS: Has she learned to bear the yoke yet?

PHAEDROMUS: She’s as innocent as if she were my own sister, for me—unless she’s any the worse for a few kisses.

PALINURUS: Always keep this in mind, sir,—first smoke, then flames. Smoke can’t burn anything, flames can. The man that wants to eat the kernel, cracks the shell; the man that wants to get the girl, clears the way with kisses.

PHAEDROMUS: But this girl is innocent; she never has consorted with men at all.

PALINURUS: I’ll believe that when I hear of an innocent pimp.

PHAEDROMUS: (indignantly) No, no! what do you take her for? Why, whenever she gets a chance she steals out to me; but once she has pressed her lips to mine, away she runs! That’s all because the pimp, who’s ill and taking the cure in the shrine of Aesculapius here, is torturing me.

PALINURUS: How so?

PHAEDROMUS: (petulant) Now he demands a hundred pounds for her, now two hundred—not a bit of just and decent treatment can I get from him.

PALINURUS: You’re in the wrong, to ask a pimp for what no pimp deals in.

PHAEDROMUS: Now I’ve sent my parasite off to Caria to ask a good friend of mine for a loan. If he doesn’t get it, I don’t know where to turn.

PALINURUS: (flippantly) To the right, I should say, if you mean to salute the gods.

PHAEDROMUS: (turning to the altar before Cappadox’s door) You see this altar of Venus in front of their house; it was to Venus I vowed I should offer a breakfast myself.

PALINURUS: Eh? You’re going to give Venus yourself for breakfast?

PHAEDROMUS: (vehemently) Yes, myself, you, and all these people.

(with a wave toward the audience)

PALINURUS: In that case, you want Venus to be sick at the stomach!

PHAEDROMUS: (to a slave) Here, my lad, the bowl! (turning toward Cappadox’s door)

PALINURUS: What are you up to?

PHAEDROMUS: You will soon see. There’s an old hag usually stretched out inside here minding the door, a weariless, waterless sot, by name Leaena.

PALINURUS: You mean a sort of Tankilena, don’t you,—the kind they store Chian wine in?

PHAEDROMUS: Why hunt for a word? She’s a perfect winesoak! The minute I sprinkle this door with wine, the odour tells her I am here, and she opens up instantly.

PALINURUS: (rueful) And this bowl of wine is brought for her?

PHAEDROMUS: (ironically) Unless you object.

PALINURUS: By gad, I do object! Yes, sir, I only wish that fellow carrying it would break his neck! I supposed it was brought for us.

PHAEDROMUS: Oh, keep still, man! If she leaves any, that will be enough for us.

PALINURUS: Leave any? Show me the river that the sea won’t hold!

PHAEDROMUS: (taking the bowl) This way, Palinurus,—up to the door—come, oblige me.

PALINURUS: (following sulkily) All right, all right.

PHAEDROMUS: (he pours wine on the sill) Drink, ye portals of pleasure, drink! Quaff deep, and deign to be propitious unto me!

PALINURUS: (mimicking his master) Will ye have some olives, portals,—a croquette—a pickled caper?

PHAEDROMUS: Rouse your keeper and send her hither. (lavishes more wine)

PALINURUS: (seizing his arm in dismay) You’re wasting the wine! What possesses you?

PHAEDROMUS: Unhand me! (as the door moves) See you how it opens—the bower of bliss beyond compare? Hear you a creak from the hinge? Oh, lovely hinge!

PALINURUS: (sneeringly) Why don’t you kiss it ?

PHAEDROMUS: Sh-h! Let’s hide the light and hold our tongues.

PALINURUS: (bored) Very well.

(they hear something inside and stand back)